


Steve Rogers Versus the World

by tzzzz



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Captain America (2011), Entourage, Iron Man (Movies), Stargate Atlantis, The Avengers (2012), Weeds
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, Exes, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-06
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-09 07:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/453080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tzzzz/pseuds/tzzzz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve has to battle Tony's seven evil exes.  Scott Pilgram vs. the World fusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. -1.  The Question

Steve had been watching Tony for quite some time already. If he was honest with himself, it had started before Tony and Pepper broke up and even before Steve had found out how much the rules of sexuality had changed in the past 70 years. 

At first Steve didn’t like Tony. He was a new breed of bully - one that delivered his kicks and punches with his wit and used his status and wealth and intelligence as a bludgeon. In Steve’s time, the wealthy and the intelligent showed their superiority through hauty, barbed politeness, not childish, petty rudeness that practically justified a punch.

But Tony was also a more complicated man that Steve knew in his time. The men Steve knew were fighting a war or had recently returned from one. They survived the Depression and they knew to take pleasure in the simple things in life. They knew to fight for your country and for the man beside you and to stop the spread of evil. They knew that a man protected a dame and he worked to provide for his family. His wants were simple: a good job, a family, a house on a safe street where the kids could grow up. A man’s ambition was limited to his station, his honor to the tales told by his father, his chivalry to the culture of the time.

Instead of a man striving towards his simple view of happiness, Tony seemed to follow his own law of motion: for every amazing, honorable intention, there was an inconsiderate, bohrish reaction. It was as though trying to be happy was too straightforward for Tony and he needed to put as many roadblocks in his own way as possible in order to make it more of a challenge. And if anyone should dare try to love him, he would test that love by making himself a giant obstacle to its success. He could be heroic and self-sacrificing and generous in one minute and then say the most hurtful, dismissive thing the next and Steve simply couldn’t figure out why.

But in the midst of that mind-boggling complexity, Tony was a good man. He was the man who would jump onto the grenade (after all other options had been exhausted, of course) and the whirlwind of brilliance that made up his mind enticed Steve as much as it terrified him. 

Tony reminded Steve of Howard in so many ways - his quick wit, his simple confidence in his own brilliance, his unwavering loyalty. But Tony was also missing Howard’s restraint and his easy charm. Tony was absolutely charming in his own puckish way, but while Howard’s charm said ‘I just met him, but this is a man I would trust my family with,’ Tony’s was more ‘let him keep talking so we can see what he’ll do next.’ Steve had loved Howard, though never romantically, and it warmed Steve to know that much of him lived on in his son.

But the thing that interested Steve the most about Tony was the fact that even at age 45, he was an ever-evolving mirror-maze of a man whose hurt and joy were marbled through his many layers, waiting to be uncovered in the most surprising of places. Unlike the many dames Bucky had tried to set Steve up with or the men who occasionally warmed his bedroll, Steve doubted he would ever cease learning new things about Tony. If Steve was doomed to live the long life the serum promised, he could only imagine living it with someone who would be constantly in motion.

So now Steve stood at the door to Tony’s lab wearing his best Oxford and a “nice” pair of jeans (wasn’t that a concept, that jeans could be “nice”). But Clint had explained that was how men dressed on dates in this century and numerous films had confirmed it. His palms didn’t sweat like they used to, but Steve rubbed them against his pants compulsively anyway. Steve had never asked anyone to go on a date. The idea to go dancing had been mutual between himself and Peggy and every “date” (if they could even be called that) before that had been a double with Bucky doing the asking.

Clint had been incredibly unhelpful and told him to, ‘just goddamned ask already. I’m already tired of watching you pine after him pathetically.’ Thor had provided many suggestions, none of which could possibly be an appropriate Earth tradition (they didn’t even have love dragons, let alone the ability to present an intended with the still-beating heart of one). Steve could never ask a lady such an impertinent question and Bruce just blushed and said he’d rather stay out of it, so Steve was on his own.

He didn’t think that Tony would appreciate flowers, so he brought him a chocolate croissant from the little bakery Tony always pestered Jarvis to make deliver.

Tony didn’t look up from the welding work he was doing on some something-or-other. Steve had made sure that it was a project that didn’t need Bruce and Clint and Natasha were out on some spy business and Thor on Asgard visiting Loki in prison, so Steve hoped he wouldn’t be interrupted.

After watching Tony work for a minute or two, Steve cleared his throat. “So I brought you a croissant,” Steve murmured.

Tony put down his tool and stretched out a hand for the croissant, but didn’t meet Steve’s eyes. Instead he stared at the circuitry, almost looking mildly offended that it hadn’t assembled itself as he wanted. The moan he made when he bit into the croissant was the only indication that Tony was not completely focused on his work.

Steve thought maybe he should just leave. But he was Captain America; he didn’t back down from a mission, especially not one so ostensibly easy as this one. “Um, Tony, I was wondering if you would like to see a movie with me?”

“Which one?” Tony asked.

Steve hadn’t planned for that. In his day, there was usually only one movie at the theater at a time. “Whatever you want to see.”

“Okay,” Tony replied, licking his fingers and pulling down his safety screen before he started welding again. “I guess we haven’t introduced you to Indiana Jones yet. I don’t know that Indy’s the kind of character that will appeal to Thor, so we can watch it without him. Give me another half hour and I’ll meet you in the screening room.”

This was not going as Steve planned. He knew that he should just watch the movie with Tony. Clint had mentioned that a lot of friends became lovers by ‘hanging out’ first. But if Clint wasn’t going to elaborate on exactly how that happened, then Steve decided that he needed to stick with what he knew. “I would love to. But maybe some other time we could go out to see something.”

“If you want the new stuff, I can order that too. It’ll take maybe a day to get it delivered, but I don’t have a screening room for nothing.”

Was this a polite way to turn Steve down or just what life was like as a multi-billionaire? Steve pressed on. “I thought maybe I could take you out to dinner first and then we could go to a theater.”

Tony put down his welding equipment, finally looking at Steve. He took in at the outfit, dashing Steve’s hopes by looking more confused than impressed. After a beat Tony tentatively asked, “Cap, are you asking me to dinner and a movie?”

Steve gulped. “Yes?”

“You do know that’s considered to be a date, right?”

Steve nodded.

“You want to ask _me_ on a date?”

“Yes.”

“But you don’t even like me.”

“Of course I like you,” Steve protested. “Yes, we didn’t start off on the right foot, but I’ve realized that I judged you too soon and, for that, I’m sorry. But I like you. I think you’re a good person. You’re smart and funny and actually very kind when you want to be. And attractive,” Steve added, even though Tony knew that already. “Why wouldn’t I want to date you?”

Tony smiled faintly, but there was something strained in it. “Okay, Cap, but you’re going to have to battle my seven evil exes first.” Tony pulled off his welding gloves and headed out of the labs. “I don’t think I’m making much progress here. Let’s go watch Indy.”

Steve stared after him. “Seven evil exes?” he asked himself.


	2. 0.  Courtship Rituals of the 21st Century

Natasha and Clint had returned by the time Steve and Tony finished the movie and a white flash on the balcony signalled that Thor was back as well. The two assassins were curled up on the couch in the living room. Natasha looked completely together as usual, but Clint had his right leg propped up on the coffee table with an ice pack wrapped around his knee. There were a pair of crutches leaning on the back of the couch.

“Greetings Steve Rogers, Clint Barton, and Lady Natasha!” Thor beamed, despite missing his usual level of puppyish enthusiasm. Thor always returned from visiting Loki subdued. He had refused to tell them the final punishment decided by their father, but based on the Norse mythology they had all read up on, Steve feared the worst.

“How was the mission?” Steve asked his companions.

“Fine,” they replied in unison. Steve knew he wouldn’t get more than that out of them, but he asked anyway. “What happened to your leg?”

Clint shrugged. “I fell off a building. It’s just a sprain. I’ll be good to go in a week or so.”

Thor had pulled a handful of beers out of the fridge and passed them around without asking if the rest of them wanted one. He opened them as though they were twist-tops even though they very clearly weren’t. 

“What troubles you, Steve?” Thor asked. Steve forgot how perceptive Thor could be when he was actually paying attention. 

“I asked Tony to go on a date with me.”

“About time,” Clint mumbled. “He said yes, right?”

Steve nodded.

“That is most excellent news!” Thor exclaimed, clapping Steve so hard on his back that he almost spilled his beer. “We shall celebrate!”

“Well,” Steve blushed. He was grateful for all their help, but he hated having to always ask about things like a child. “He said yes, but that I had to battle his seven evil exes first. I’m sure it’s nothing, but what does that even mean?”

“On Asgard, the courted can demand that the propositioner prove their worthiness in battle against a guardian,” Thor offered. “I fought many such battles on my brother’s behalf.”

“Poor Loki must never have gotten laid,” Clint joked. “It explains so much.”

“Do not worry yourself, Clint Barton, my brother had no shortage of lovers. But I dispensed with all that he desired me to fight.”

“So you’re saying that Tony used the expression because he doesn’t want to date me? Or there are actual battles?”

“Don’t be silly,” Clint replied. “It’s 2012, not the dark ages. Nobody is going make you fight anyone. You know Tony, he was probably just making a joke.”

“He wouldn’t. Not about something so serious.”

“You were there when he was being chased by a flying bonesnake and making jokes,” Natasha said. “Tony Stark never mastered situation-appropriate behavior. Here’s an idea. If you don’t know what he meant, ask him.”

“Yeah, because none of the rest of us have a clue,” Clint added.

Steve was about to do just that when Pepper Potts walked in the door.


	3. 1.  Pepper Potts

“Lady Pepper!” Thor exclaimed. But Pepper ignored him. Instead she walked straight over to Steve.

Steve smiled at her. He liked Pepper a lot - her sharp mind and her absolute control over any situation reminded him of Peggy. He had been sad to see less of her after she and Tony broke their relationship off, even though he was happy that Tony was now unattached. Maybe she could tell him what this evil exes thing was about. “Pepper,” Steve reached out to shake her hand, but instead of her soft, cool palm in his, he felt a harsh sting across his face.

Steve was so shocked that he just stood there until Clint yelled, “Jesus, Pepper, what did he ever do to you?”

Pepper’s fist swung at him again, but this time Steve had the wherewithal to duck. He backed up, stumbling over one of the living room chairs, hands raised in surrender. “Pepper, what are you doing?”

She kept the assault coming with more punches and kicks. Steve tried his best to stay out of her way, even running around to the other side of the room. But she jumped at him with a strength that should couldn’t possibly possess. Of the four deadly people in the room, only Steve and Thor should be able to fly through the air like that. 

She had him pinned on the ground, but was easy enough to roll off with his superhuman strength. 

“Did it ever occur to you that I am one of Tony’s exes?”

Oh. So this was literal then.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but you were the one who broke things off with Tony.” Steve ducked another punch. “Don’t you think he deserves a chance at happiness?”

“Of course I do,” Pepper said, kicking Steve hard in the solar plexus. 

Steve grunted. 

“But if you think you can make Tony happy, you have to prove it.”

“How do I do that?”

“By defeating his seven evil exes of course. But, I must say, you aren’t doing a very good job so far. Come on, Rogers, fight like you mean it.”

“I’m not hitting a dame!” Steve protested.

“You hit me all the time,” Natasha supplied unhelpfully from the couch. 

“That’s different. You asked me to.”

“It seems like she’s also asking you to,” Clint added.

“I, too, had difficulties when the Lady Sif first joined our party of warriors,” Thor said. “But I realized that I was causing her more hurt by refusing to fight her than I could possibly inflict physically.”

“Okay, that’s enough from the peanut gallery!” Steve shouted. “Would all of you please help me restrain Pepper before she hurts herself?”

“Tony did say you’d have to battle his exes,” Natasha pointed out. “I thought it might be a metaphor for all of the damage they’ve done to him, but if you are determined, Cap, you should probably just fight her.”

Maybe Steve could hit a woman, but not _Pepper_ and certainly not just because she had once dated Tony. “Pepper, why did you break up with Tony?” Steve asked, stalling.

“It was a nice experiment,” Pepper replied. “We’d had it all twisted up for so long - friendship, work, intimacy. I never really thought that Tony and I could make it. I love Tony, but the horrible things about him stay horrible, relationship or not. We’re just not compatible. He can’t possibly address my needs or respect my contributions to his life and our relationship. But we got the urge to try out of our systems and now we can straighten our professional relationship out.”

 

In Steve’s time, a man might go dancing with many a girl or maybe even enjoy the fabled “loose” woman, but when he found a woman to love, he married her. He settled down and had some children and didn’t look back. She didn’t have to share his interests or know the darkest secrets of his soul. She didn’t have to have his same level of education or have a good job or be on the same “timetable” for life goals. They were compatible if they loved each other and Pepper was a product of such spoiled times where she could break Tony’s heart and break the most important relationship in his life just because Tony didn’t fit her checklist of what she wanted out of life. Nobody was perfect and Steve hated that Pepper gambled everything she had with Tony on the hope that he would change. Tony wouldn’t change; it was her job to find a way to love him, his horrible flaws and all.

One punch laid her out.

“Good one, Cap,” Clint commented, before picking up the television remote and turning it on.

“Oh my god!” Steve moaned, immediately crouching down to make sure that Pepper was alright. “I hit a woman! I hit Pepper!”

But then Pepper groaned, looking up at Steve with dazed eyes. “Steve? What happened?”

Steve could not speak for mortification.

Thor stepped in, scooping Pepper up into his strong arms. “All is good, Lady Pepper. You had an accident. I will escort you to the infirmary, but I’m sure all will be well.”

Steve started to follow them, but realized he might not be welcome. What had he done?

He stumbled over to the couch and sat down next to Clint.

“I can’t believe that just happened.”

“Yeah, those kids are rotten. I hope Supernanny shows them,” Clint replied. 

Steve looked at him, bewildered, before realizing that Steve was referring to the television show they were watching. 

“No, I mean . . . Pepper attacking me!”

Clint gave him a sharp look of confusion and Natasha replied, “It’s not unexpected for her to question you about wanting to date Tony. She’s protective of him. But it was hardly an attack.”

Before Steve could respond about how the bruising to his solar plexus sure felt like an attack, Thor returned, grabbing Steve by the arm and saying, “I would have words with you, friend Steve.”

They walked out onto the balcony and Steve demanded, “Please tell me that you saw Pepper attack me.”

“Indeed I did.” Thank god, Steve wasn’t going crazy. “There is powerful magic at work here. I have seen such spells of protection placed on individuals before. There are illusions at work, though I do not know if the illusions are what you see or what the mortals remember. You must be strong, Steve. You have defeated one evil ex and you must defeat six more. The magic prevents me from fighting with you, but I will assist as much as I am able. Do not fear. You will win the hand of Tony Stark. I do not doubt it.”

“Thanks, Thor,” Steve sighed. Since when had this become his life? Magic and gods and literally battling just to go on a date?


	4. 1.5  Clarifying

Steve and Thor made their way down to Tony’s lab. If anything, Tony owed Steve some answers. 

“Hi American Pie, Fabio. What can I do for you?” Tony asked. He was working on the suit now. It appeared to be minor tweaks and not a major overhaul or a new design. Steve tried to keep abreast of Tony’s new design innovations.

“So I just saw Pepper,” Steve said.

“Did you? I wasn’t expecting her to come by to nag me at least until the morning.”

Steve put his hands on his hips, annoyed. “Tony, stop playing games. You know she attacked me. What I want to know is why?”

Tony finally stopped his working, turning to Steve with a sigh. “I told you you’d have to battle my seven evil exes. But if you don’t think it’s worth it, that’s fine.”

Steve admitted that it hurt a little that Tony would think that Steve would abandon him so easily. “I really want to date you, Tony. But I didn’t want to fight Pepper and I don’t want to fight whoever else you’ve dated. So tell me what’s going on so we can fix it.”

“You can’t fix it, Steve. It’s always been this way. Ever since I was young. If someone wants to date me. _Date_ , not fuck, they have to battle all my exes.”

“And if I lose?” Steve demanded. 

“You’re not going to lose. You’re Captain America.”

“You aren’t the least bit concerned? This is a seriously unusual phenomenon.”

Tony shrugged. “When I was young I didn’t even know normal people don’t have this happen to them. I investigated - strange energy fields, not unlike what we’ve measured with your brother,” Tony said to Thor. “Nothing I can do to disrupt them.”

“Perhaps Loki could be of assistance in this matter,” Thor replied.

“No, don’t bother,” Tony replied. “Leave that bag of cats to his crazies. Steve will defeat the other six and that’ll be the end of it.”

“I’m flattered by your confidence in me, Tony, but if you are affected by some kind of magic, don’t you want to know who did it to you and why?” Tony was always so curious about everything. It pinged Steve’s radar that this seemed to be the one thing he wasn’t demanding answers about.

“Like I said, I’ve been this way my whole life, Cap. I’m used to it.” He leaned forward, kissing Steve lightly on the lips in a manner that resembled a sneak attack more than a kiss between lovers. “You just concentrate on defeating these guys. There are a couple of heavyhitters in the bunch.”

“And I take it you’re not going to tell me about them?” Steve squeaked. Tony was an extraordinary man and Steve could only imagine how extraordinary his significant others must be. Steve himself probably didn’t measure up. Hell, he was just a kid from Brooklyn. He didn’t even measure up to the one ex Steve actually knew about - the wildly accomplished and self-possessed Pepper Potts. 

Tony scoffed. “That would be telling.”

Steve collected Thor and they left the lab.

“This does not sit well with me, friend Steve,” Thor said, once they were out of earshot. “It may seem a trivial application, but these are dark magics. Love magic is always dark, even if it is presented playfully. I do not like having the man of iron compromised in such a way and I do not like that this magic has now entangled you as well. I will return to Asgard and enlist my brother’s help on this matter.”

Steve nodded. Even if it did seem trivial, he also didn’t like the idea that both he and Iron Man were potentially corrupted by some form of dark magic. 

“Thank you, Thor. I appreciate it.”

Thor’s grin was brilliant when he slapped Steve hard on the back. “Do not worry. We will find a way to assist you and Tony.”

***

After checking to make sure that Pepper was okay and seeing Thor depart for Asgard, Steve and Bruce decided to make a trip down to the Shwarma joint to bring Clint and Natasha some falafel sandwiches to celebrate the completion of their mission. 

It was a nice night - warm and a little muggy with summer, but a soft breeze blew in from the water. Bruce looked handsome, in a threadbare shirt that he had been told was a style popular in India and a light linen jacket. Bruce was a sweet man, always well intentioned and honorable, if sometimes a little shy. Steve lamented, not for the first time, that his heart had foolishly decided to fall for Tony instead of sweet, easy Bruce.

Bruce easily kept a low profile, but people had been seeing the face of Captain America for years, so Steve pulled on a baseball cap and they took a back route through alleyways and side-streets instead of down the main avenues. New York had grown so crowded that there really was no back route anymore, nor any place Steve could hide from his fame. He might have minded it more if he did not have the tower and all its conveniences to keep him from the world if he felt like it. 

They turned a corner into the alley behind the Shwarma joint and were immediately assaulted by bright lights and a mob of people. Steve ducked behind a dumpster instinctively. Only when he looked over to find Bruce standing in the middle of the alleyway calmly and staring at him did he realize that whatever was going on was not a threat.

“What are they doing?” Steve asked, observing the people moving under the bright lights. It looked like there was a train track laid down on top of cardboard on the street and there was what looked like a crane with some device attached to it. One man in a frumpy sweatshirt was shouting into a megaphone, some people held poles and there was a table with food on it. Half the people seemed to be wearing headsets, but nobody was dressed formally or wearing a uniform, so it couldn’t be a law enforcement deal.

Bruce looked taken aback for a second before hiding it. Bruce always tried to be considerate of Steve’s knowledge gaps. “They’re filming a movie,” Bruce replied.

Steve had _starred_ in movies, but he never remembered it being like this - with so many people and so much technology and no acting going on, so far as Steve could tell. And if that big thing on the train tracks was the camera - where did it keep the film?

“I guess it the whole process must have been simpler back in the day,” Bruce replied. “Come on, let’s take a look.”

There was a barrier at the end of the alleyway controlled by policemen, but when they glimpsed Steve, the let them in with orders to stay silent whenever the director called ‘action.’

“I guess being a superhero has some perks,” Bruce said with a conspiratorial grin. At first Bruce had seemed like a shy, reclusive, but kind man. Now Steve knew that he also had a subversive side. 

For a while, it appeared that people were merely moving things around and no filming was actually taking place, but then the chaos seemed to take on a new direction and two men emerged from a large bus parked at the back of the alleyway. One was tall, with brown hair and a pompous strut to the way he walked. He seemed angry at someone or something, but Steve couldn’t hear what he was saying over the noise of the film crew. The other man was slighter with a less athletic build and slim shoulders, but for a man, he was incredibly beautiful, with green eyes and curly black hair and something exotic about him. Maybe he was Italian. 

Steve had marveled at a lot of the stars he saw in the films that the team showed him. The way people looked had changed so much in the past 70 years. Gone were the days of sturdy, barrel-chested men and voluptuous dames with high cheekbones. They were replaced with _pretty_ lean-muscled men and skinny women with impossibly large and well-shaped bosoms. And those people who murmured about the mixing of the races had been right - people seemed to look both more similar to each other (all beautiful) and more exotic at the same time. 

This man was the very archetype of the new beauty. He wasn’t as slim as Steve had been, but he wasn’t the kind of manly man who would have made the ladies swoon in Steve’s day. But judging from the whole line of women lined up on the street-side barricade with their phones taking pictures, Steve assumed his almost-feminine features were popular these days.

In fact, he looked familiar. They had watched a movie starring this man, Steve realized. “It’s Aquaman,” Steve said to Bruce.

Bruce frowned. “I must have missed that one. But that’s Vincent Chase and his brother Johnny. He’s a pretty big star. He was fantastic in Queens Blvd.” It appeared as though Vincent Chase was heading towards the set, but instead he turned and moved towards where Bruce and Steve were standing. Bruce was oblivious. “I wonder if Tony knows he’s in town.” Steve got a sinking feeling in his stomach as the Chase brothers continued to approach. Once Bruce realized where they were headed he gave them a jaunty wave. “Or maybe he’s going to give us a message for Tony now.”

“Um,” Steve backed up, going defensive. The man didn’t look like he could take Steve in a fight, but Steve didn’t want to fight. He wanted Thor to come back with a real solution to this whole mess. “Bruce, why would Aquaman have a message for Tony?”

“Oh,” Bruce said. “They used to date. It was big tabloid news, even in Kolkata - Vincent Chase going gay for Tony Stark.”


	5. 2.  Vincent Chase

“Hey, Vinnie, who are these douchebags?” the other guy asked when they approached.

Vincent Chase smiled nonchalantly. To Steve he seemed almost too casual. The big movie stars of Steve’s day were theatrical, larger than life. Vincent Chase was even more gorgeous in person than on the screen, but he was the opposite, a friendly smiling presence that seemed to fade into the background, a commodity, not a personality. “C’mon, Johnny, you’ve gotta recognize Captain America and Dr. Bruce Banner. You, know, the Hulk.”

Johnny gulped, all his posturing seeming to melt away into a prevaricating heep, like a deflating balloon, “Oh, Captain America, Doctor, um, the Hulk. I didn’t recognize you, Sirs. I mean, who can blame me, you’re usually more, uh, green.”

Bruce smiled winningly. Even though he was still a little squeamish about having the Hulk discussed, Steve knew he took perverse joy in making other people uncomfortable as recompense.

Vince reached out, shaking Bruce’s hand and then Steve’s. “We really appreciate what you’ve done for this city. Actually, what you’ve done for the world. I’m truly humbled to meet you.” 

Now Steve could understand Vince’s quiet charisma; he oozed absolute sincerity with every word. To be honest, it shocked Steve a little bit. Hearing that Tony had dated a Hollywood star came as absolutely no surprise - Tony was attracted to shiny and beautiful and he especially loved possessing anything that others coveted, if the art collection he hadn’t bothered to ever look at until he found out Steve wanted to see it was anything to go by. What he hadn’t expected was for Vince to be anything other than the same crazy playboy as Tony had once been. But Vince was polite and softspoken and _nice_.

“I admit that I’ve never been much of a nationalist,” Vince continued, looking genuinely chagrined. “When I played Aquaman, I had a Captain America t-shirt that I wore ironically. But I never really understood what playing a superhero _meant_ or how much we need our heroes, as symbols and as defenders. You are truly an inspiration to me, which is why it really hurts that I have to do this.”

And that’s when this polite, absolutely sincere man, pulled back his fist and threw a punch that sent Steve flying hard back into a brick wall. The first thing Steve did once he caught his breath was look to Bruce. The last thing this situation needed was the Hulk. But Bruce was just standing there, not even looking shocked.

Johnny Chase had other ideas. “What the hell are you doing, little bro? You can’t just punch Captain America!”

“Relax, Drama,” Vince said, “I’ve done action films.”

“And he’s some kind of super soldier!” Johnny squeaked.

“It’s okay, I’ve got _star power._ glowing with some otherworldly energy that shielded him when Steve took a swing. As Vince grabbed him and sent him flying back into the dumpster he’d been crouched behind earlier, Steve really wished he had his shield.  
Steve pulled himself out of the dumpster, trying hard not to think about the stuff he’d just landed in, and shouted to Bruce, “We’re a little like celebrities; how come I don’t have star power?”

“You’re a national icon, but not a star,” Bruce responded, ducking as Vince sent Steve flying into the wall behind Bruce’s head.

“How is that different?”

“You’re famous for your accomplishments and he’s famous for looking pretty.”

“Hey, don’t talk that way about my baby bro!” Johnny shouted at Bruce, moving into his space.

“I wouldn’t do that, Johnny,” Vince said as he grabbed Steve by the ankle and twirled him around, eventually throwing him out of the alley and into the main street, where he landed on a parked car, crushing the roof in. Steve really didn’t like how the magic was enhancing Vince’s fighting skills.

“Yeah,” Bruce added. “You wouldn’t want to make me angry.”

With that Johnny quieted, pacing in his anger like a caged ape.

Steve had no idea how he was supposed to beat Vince if his ‘star power’ shielded Steve from ever landing a punch.

A crowd had formed around them, and it only seemed to increase Vince’s power. He was still smiling charmingly, still looking mildly regretful to be doing this at all.

“So,” Steve mumbled, wiping the blood off his face from where it was dripping out of his nose. “How come it was such big news that you went gay for Tony?” Steve sure as hell knew that it would have been big news in his day, but things were supposed to be different now.

Vince laughed. “That’s the thing about Hollywood, everything I do is big news to a certain crowd. And Tony isn’t exactly discreet. You know that.”

Steve surely did. He didn’t even really know what a publicist was, but Tony had a few of them and they all said that their job was ‘Tony damage control.’ They’d stop by the tower and drag Tony off to a photoshoot or an interview. Sometimes they’d try to convince Tony to bring some of the team along. Tony said that they didn’t have to do anything the publicist asked, and everyone else almost always declined, but Steve always put on his uniform to go with them. If he could help Tony and his business, he would. It was what friends did.

“It’s why we broke up, actually,” Vince continued, frowning a little to himself. How was it that the man managed to look beautiful even with a sour look on his face? “Tony just couldn’t resist bragging that he’d won his toaster with Aquaman.”

“Toaster?”

“It’s slang for turning someone gay,” Bruce supplied helpfully. 

“So you wanted to keep a secret? I thought being a homosexual was accepted nowadays.”

“It is,” Vince winced, throwing a lazy punch that barely knocked Steve over. At least he was distracted for now. “But I get a lot of my roles as a lady’s man. I didn’t want to hurt my image. It was an experiment. It wasn’t meant to get out.”

An experiment? But how could someone like Tony enough to change his whole sexual orientation for him and not care enough about him to date him proudly and openly. “So you were ashamed of him?”

Steve’s next punch pushed Vince back a little, sending him sprawling into the crowd of his fans. Whatever Steve was doing seemed to be working. “You were ashamed of being gay,” he pushed on.

“No, I’m not a homophobe.” Vince landed a good blow to Steve’s ribs, but Steve rallied with a punch that had Vince massaging his jaw. “I’ve donated a lot of money to marriage equality.”

“So it’s okay for them, but not for you?” Bruce shouted from the sidelines.

Steve’s next punch sent Vince flying into the food table, though the ‘star power’ shield still flashed. “It’s not that,” Vince protested. “It’s that I deserved the chance to figure out my sexuality before the press descended on us. I never really cared what they said before. I cared about my movie reviews, but not the tabloids. But this . . . it wasn’t theirs. It was ours.”

“Being a star’s not so great, then,” Steve said.

Vince’s face fell, and Steve finally laid him out with a good uppercut. 

“Get your brother back to his trailer,” Bruce said to Johnny. “Sorry we messed up your schedule,” he said to the man with the megaphone as he put an arm around Steve and ushered him into the street and the nearest cab.

“What about shwarma?” Steve asked as the horde of Vince’s fans surrounded the cab, making it difficult for the cabbie to pull out. 

“I know another good Shwarma place in midtown.” He gave directions to the cabbie. “You just got into a fight with Vincent Chase over Tony. It’s more important that we escape the press than get Clint and Natasha that exact shwarma. Fury is going to have your ass for this and the three horrible Js are going to be staked out in the tower tomorrow,” he groaned.

“The three horrible Js?”

“Tony’s publicists? Jenn, Jonathan, and Jayme? Why do you think Clint is always yelling for us to hide when the three Js arrive?”

Oh. Steve hadn’t ever asked their names. They’d reminded him too much of the people who shepherded him around to peddle war bonds.

“It’s fine. _I’m_ not ashamed of liking Tony and I’m sure of my sexuality.”

“We’ll see what you say after the tabloids are through with you.” He sighed. “It looks like I’ll be spending tomorrow hiding in the lab.”

***

The next morning when Steve emerged into the communal kitchen, Tony was drinking coffee and eating a donut while he looked at something on the iPad. He tossed it to Steve who, despite his superhuman reflexes, was afraid he’d drop it. Tony was hard on this futuristic technology that Steve thought should be treated with delicate reverence.

He squinted at the news story, hoping that he wouldn’t have to remember how to make the device go to the next page. It read “Superhero Catfight? Captain America Fights Aquaman Over Tony Stark.”

“Aquaman isn’t real, right?” Steve asked.

Tony laughed. “No, that’s just Vinnie trying to be as cool in fiction as we are in real life. The Post likes to pretend it's clever with its headlines.”

Steve looked over the article. It speculated on Tony’s power to turn previously straight men gay and insinuated that it was inappropriate fraternization between team members. Strangely, the article blamed Tony and not Steve, even though Steve had been the one ‘arguing’ with Vincent Chase. “Are you mad at me?”

Tony gave Steve one of his looks that indicated that Steve was one of the strangest human beings he’d ever met. “I just wanted to give you a heads up on how the military is going to come down on you, if Bruce didn’t already. It’s one thing for them to have abolished DADT and another to know that their national hero is a fag.”

Steve frowned. “I thought it was okay to be gay in the military now?” Steve remembers sneaking around, absolutely terrified that Colonel Phillips would find out about him and Bucky and how Bucky had stepped back and told Steve to go for Peggy - it was safer for all of them that way. It made Steve’s chest ache just thinking about it and about how he’d never had the courage to tell Bucky that as much as he liked Peggy, Bucky would always be the love of his life. Now it was one death and seventy years too late.

“Politics in this country are complicated,” Tony replied. “Get Pepper to explain it to you sometime.”

“I’m not sure Pepper . . .”

“Please. Pepper loves you. She gave me her blessing after she woke up in the infirmary. Hell, Vinnie would probably have been thrilled to meet you, too, if not for this stupid battling the exes thing.”

“He was a little thrilled, actually. He even apologized before he punched me.”

Tony smiled. “That sounds like him. Maybe I can get Natasha to kidnap him away from his stupid entourage to have dinner with us. I like it when I get to stay friends with my exes.”

Steve gulped. It sounded like Vince and Tony had broken up over circumstances, not lack of caring for each other. “You seem as though you like him a lot.”

“Well, yeah. I’ve had more than my share of celebrities, even went 12 for 13 on Playboy cover issues one year. But I stayed with Vinnie for almost a year.”

“Playboy?”

“Oh . . . _oh_ you poor thing, you. It’s like a magazine of pinup girls, only much hotter and much nakeder. I don’t know if I like you all innocent or if I should take you out to the Mansion to hang out with Hef sometime.” Tony grinned a mischievous shark’s smile.

And Tony had had sex with 12 of 13 of the 13 beautiful naked pinup girls one year? It suddenly made Steve, who had only ever had sex with Bucky, feel small and insignificant. From what Bruce had said in the taxi ride home, Vincent Chase had a similar reputation for womanizing. In fact, a few girls had come forward to say they slept with Vince and Tony together. Steve doubted he would ever be able to give Tony that.

“Are you sure you want me to keep doing this?” Steve blurted out. “You could get back together with Vince.”

Tony looked troubled, but then he brightened. “Steve, what are you going to tell the army of publicists that are going to descend on us any minute now?”

“That it doesn’t matter what my sexuality is and that I’ll fight hard for the people of America and of Earth no matter what and that I really like you and I hope this is going somewhere good.” He paused a moment to think about it. “And I’d ask them, as a courtesy, to please tell the press to mind their own business, because the only one who’s going to tell me I can’t date you is, well, _you_.”

Tony smiled broadly, taking the iPad out of Steve’s hand and tossing it on the couch before he whispered, “C’mere,” and pulled Steve into a deep kiss, sweet and bitter with doughnuts and coffee. “And you wonder why I’d want you instead of Aquaman.”

“Well, Aquaman _is_ kind of lame,” Clint shouted from where he’d apparently been lurking on the couch where Tony tossed the iPad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I did just shamelessly steal that ‘I’ve done action films’ line from the best action movie ever made: Team America: World Police.


	6. 2.5 JARVIS

Thor couldn’t get back soon enough, in Steve’s opinion. He’d ignored Natasha’s invitation to go with her and Clint to the farmer’s market and Fury’s non-mandatory request to stop by SHIELD headquarters for one of the general bad-guy background briefings, as Steve liked to call them. He’d never missed even a non-mandatory request before, but if Tony wouldn’t tell him, he had no way to know where any of the potential exes might be lurking and Vincent Chase proved that even though Tony’s home was in Malibu, California was nowhere near as far away as it had been in Steve’s time. Even though Tony had confidence that Steve could take anything the evil exes could throw at him, he didn’t want to fight any of his collegues from SHIELD if he didn’t have to.

Fury had been perplexed about Steve’s reluctance, but he probably attributed it to fatigue from Steve’s fumbling press conference on the subject of his homosexuality than anything else. Of course he belatedly realized that if magic wasn’t going to call the exes out of the woodwork, then his intentions to date Tony plastered all over the news certainly would.

Luckily, Thor materialized on the landing pad in a flash of light not long before sunset, but the troubled look marring his handsome features said it all.

“No luck?”

Thor sighed. “My brother is refusing to talk to me.” He said it like a petulant child who was complaining to his mother about his brother giving him the silent treatment, not a thousand-year-old god who had put his equally ancient brother in prison for declaring war on Earth. 

“Well you did physically attack him and then put him in prison,” Steve pointed out.

“He has never not talked to me for this long before,” Thor said, pensively, completely ignoring Steve’s valid point about how Loki had a pretty good reason to not want to talk to him.

“Again, being on different sides of a war is probably the biggest fight you’ve ever had.”

“But he _should_ talk to me. He is my brother and he knows that I love him.”

Sometimes talking to Thor was like talking to a broken record that just repeated over and over again how much he loved his brother, whatever food he happened to try, his teammates and, oddly, elephants. Thor really, really liked elephants. Steve was all for staying positive, but Thor still grated on his nerves occasionally.

“Did you try appologizing?” Steve asked.

“Yes. I appologized when I came to Earth the first time and he was planning to incinerate me and my friends with the Destroyer. I told him that I was sorry for whatever I did to wrong him and he accepted my appology enough to only hit me very hard and to let my friends alone.”

Steve frowned. “But you didn’t say what specifically you were appologizing for?”

“I do not know what I did to wound him so. But I _am_ sorry for whatever it may be. I have never felt a wound so deep as losing my brother’s love and I regret nothing more than whatever actions caused it.”

“Maybe he accepted your appology, but a part of him is still mad because you still don’t know what you did wrong.”

“It is not my fault that I cannot fathom what imagined slight has angered him. All my life I have done nothing but love him. I have wanted him by my side, always.”

“But it’s not imagined to him and the fact that you don’t treat it as serious probably only made him angrier. You need to find out why he hates you so much and you need to promise to never do it agin,” Steve said definitively, as though he had a brother or a family and could give such advice. The only person he loved as unconditionally as a brother had been Bucky, but they had rarely fought.

Thor thought on it a moment. “I will return to Asgard once again and ask him. Your problem intrigued him. I can still read my brother well enough to see that. I think he does know a solution or may be able to invent one, but he is refraining out of spite.”

“Well, for the meantime, I fought another battle,” Steve announced.

Thor’s pat on the back almost knocked Steve off the landing pad. “Congratulations! I knew you would be victorious.”

Steve grimaced. “I didn’t enjoy it. This ex was still a friend of Tony’s and he seemed like a nice man. He didn’t desrve to get into a fight with me. I’ve been hiding in the tower in hopes that I won’t have to fight anyone else before we find a solution. It would be so much easier if I _knew_ who they were. We could get JARVIS to track them and I could just avoid this whole thing.”

Thor considered it for a moment as they walked into the communal living area. Thor immediately reached for an orange out of the fruit bowl and began peeling it. 

“Man in the Wall!” Thor shouted, even though JARVIS could hear him in his normal speaking voice. “I have need of information!” Of course, JARVIS would know about Tony’s exes, at least the recent ones, and he could probably figure out even earlier ones.

“I shall endeavour to provide what information I can, Mr. Odinson,” JARVIS replied, sounding slightly peeved. Steve supposed he would be peeved to be called a man in the wall as well, even though Steve still didn’t entirely understand exactly how JARVIS worked. 

“I wish to know the identity of the remaining evil exes that Steve Rogers must battle.”

“Battle? I’m afraid I do not understand, sir,” JARVIS replied. That was not encouraging. It meant that no matter how real the battles seemed - they couldn’t be recorded electronically, which cast doubt on whether they were real at all. If not for the fact that Thor also saw them, Steve would definitely worry about his own sanity.

“Thor wants to know who Tony’s exes are,” Steve clarified for JARVIS, before Thor could launch into a detailed description of the battles Steve had to fight. 

JARVIS began on what seemed to be a very long list of women. Steve winced, needing to remind himself that things were different now and that Tony’s womanizing behavior was no longer a matter of being a Lothario and more the norm. 

“Not the women his has bedded, Man in the Wall!” Thor chuckled. “We need to know who he has dated.”

“I’m afraid you will have to be more specific, Mr. Odinson,” JARVIS replied. “Dated is a rather fluid term. Even moreso when it comes to Mr. Stark.”

Asking an alien and a man from 70 years ago the definition of dating in the 21st Century was probably futile, but Steve made an intelligent guess. “Well we know that there are seven total and I already met Pepper and Vincent Chase. So we need the next five most important romantic liasons in Tony’s life.”

“Based on what parameters for important, Mr. Rogers.” Much to his chigrin, Steve had often treated JARVIS exactly the way Thor named him - as a man hiding in the wall. This was the first time that the limits of his programing became evident.

“Um, some combination of time spent together, emotional impact - can you measure emotional impact? - of the the breakup, sexual, um, intensity, at least when he was older, and how romantic they were towards each other?” Steve hoped that was enough.

“Please define romantic.”

Steve and Thor stared at each other, each hoping the other could explain before Steve finally shrugged and told JARVIS to omit that parameter.

“Oh and definitely throw in anyone Tony has said he was dating.”

After a long moment during which Steve assumed that JARVIS was calculating, he finally gave them an answer. “I have narrowed the search field, but I can only return one result that hits all of your parameters. The other possibilities have scored high on some parameters and low or non-existent on others, nevertheless a multivariate analisis points to the three additional likely results.”

Steve was just going to pretend he understood that and ignore the fact that Tony’s house appeared to be smarter than him. “Give us that one definite hit first.”

“John Sheppard, Lieutenant Colonel.” Lieutenant Colonel. Steve gulped. He knew that as a military contractor Tony must have spent a lot of time interacting with the military (that was how Steve met Howard, after all) so it wasn’t a surprise that he’d developed a relationship with one of them. But if anything, Steve was expecting the military name to be Rhodey, who Steve had met several times and liked a lot. He and Tony had seemed incredibly close. But Steve was glad that he wouldn’t be fighting Rhodey (or the War Machine). Still, Steve did not look forward to punching a man two pay grades above him.

“Tell of us of this John Sheppard,” Thor demanded. “Is he a warrior?”

“Lieutenant Colonel is a military rank,” Steve explained to Thor. “A high one.” It was most likely the highest rank a man Tony’s age could achieve.

“He is a great warrior, then?” Thor asked.

“Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard has qualified as an Expert Marksman, recieved special forces training and cross training, and was awarded the Medal of Honor for a feat of heroism that is currently classified to the highest levels of clearance. Tony has had me running a program to hack his classified records for some time, but I have not met with success.”

Steve wanted to whimper. Steve also had a Medal of Honor, but that had been mostly a publicity stunt. Besides, it wasn’t really a fair competition between a biologically enhanced super soldier and an ordinary guy doing special ops. Why couldn’t Tony just date _normal_ people? Why did everything have to be the best of the best?

“I should like to see a photo!” Thor declared. That line was quickly becoming one of Thor’s catch phrases. They didn’t take personal pictures on Asgard - a cultural matter, not because they didn’t have the technology, which they used mostly for surveying. After Tony showed Thor how to used the camera on his phone, Steve had been dragged from one end of Manhatten to the other while Thor commemorated the important sights of Midgard (and a lot of unimportant ones . . . including an entire series starring Thor’s thumb). “And a wikipedia!” he added.

A photo appeared on the view screen betwen them, along with a millitary file - clearly redacted for classified material. Tony and JARVIS had long given up on explaining the difference between Wikipedia and other sources of information to Thor, who was just as capable of understanding it as Steve, but seemed to just not care to learn what he deemed a trivial distinction.

Thor laughed. “He is puny! You shall have no difficulty besting him.” After skimming the information in the dossier he added. “What is an Osprey?”

Steve thought it was a kind of bird, but it was listed in Sheppard’s jacket under aircraft certification. “He’s a pilot.” Steve could only hope that the Medal of Honor had been flying-related and not fighting-related. “It’s one of the planes he’s allowed to fly.”

Thor had been amused by airline travel for about twenty minutes when they’d flown down to Washington DC in Tony’s private jet, but had since deemed it inefficient as a form of transportation, though he liked the quinjets for the strategic advantage of having a high gun and the Hellicarrier because it reminded him of some floating islands he had liked to play on as a child. “Sheppard flies the shooting kind of planes,” Steve clarified.

Thor nodded his approval. “I believe that this one will not be a challenge. Man in the Wall, another!”

“Hold on a second, JARVIS. What were the circumstances of Tony’s relationship with John Sheppard?”

“Mr. Stark met Colonel Sheppard, who was a friend of Colonel Rhodes’, during Spring Break in New Orleans in 1987. I was Mr. Stark’s thesis project at the time and had no visual sensors. But I did hear Colonol Rhodes poke fun at Mr. Stark on multiple occassions for meeting Colonel Sheppard while Sheppard was wearing a grass skirt and coconut shells. During the following summer they engaged in sexual relations multiple times in my presence. Mr. Stark was emotionally distraught when Colonel Rhodes convinced Colonel Sheppard to join the Air Force and Sheppard ended their relationship. It is the second most intense argument Colonel Rhodes and Mr. Stark ever had, based on degree of property damage.”

“Okay, so Sheppard hits all of our criteria. Why isn’t he with Tony now that he can be openly gay in the military?”

“It has been a long time,” JARVIS replied. And it stung, thinking how different relationships were now. In Steve’s time, it wouldn’t have mattered how long. In fact, you were practically meant to spend years pining after your one true love - at least that’s what the army boys behaved about their dames back home. Steve would have waited his whole life for Bucky or for Peggy. He never expected he’d outlive them.

“What about the ones that do not match all the criteria?” Thor asked, twirling his hammer idly. Thor was very easily bored.

“I do not have direct evidence of sexual conduct or the severity of the break up because I did not exist during the timespan of their relationship. But Mr. Stark has often said that his first boyfriend was Mr. Bruce Wayne.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Steve didn’t know much about the modern world, but he knew that practically everything that didn’t have Tony’s name printed on it said ‘Wayne Enterprises’ and that after Tony had moved out of weapons manufacturing, there were only two big names: Wayne and Hammer and Wayne was only getting bigger.

“Who is this Bruce Wayne?” Thor asked, perplexed. 

“Go look at the brand name of the microwave,” Steve sighed. He was a little surprised that Thor hadn’t noticed already. Thor _loved_ the microwave. In fact, Thor was so fascinated by the entire idea of reheating pre-packaged food that Tony had to install an extra freezer to accomodate every style of hotpocket availabe and whatever else Thor found at Costco (on Asgard the rich had food prepared by servants and the poor prepared it themselves, but always fresh, like during Steve’s time) .

Thor lopped over to the microwave like an over-excited puppy. “Wayne Enterprises!” he announced. “Tony dated the great man who invented this amazing device?” he sounded awed.

“Mr. Wayne did not invent the microwave,” JARVIS corrected. “His company does make the particular model we have installed.” At least there was that. And compared to a sharpshooting special ops colonel who had won the medal of honor, how difficult could fighting a wealthy industrialist be?

“How did he and Tony meet?”

“Mr. Stark Sr. and Mr. Wayne’s father were friendly competitors. Mr. Stark and Mr. Wayne played together as children and later, after Mr. Wayne’s parents passed away, they attended boarding school together. They were still quite close until Mr. Wayne entered a reclusive period twelve years ago. Mr. Stark interpreted soul-searching in Nepal as abandonment, I’m afraid. Mr. Wayne has since returned to the social scene, but Mr. Stark continues to avoid him.”

“Right, so I just have to not attend any galas or places frequented by the rich. That shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Mr. Stark has me follow Mr. Wayne’s schedule. I will help you to also avoid him, if I must,” JARVIS replied, clearly disapproving of the fact that Tony had ended his friendship with Wayne.

“Good, that’s settled,” Steve replied. 

Thor was still staring at the microwave with concern and seemed to have stopped paying attention. “I will prepare a feast of the sausages of the morning star and bagel bites!” Thor announced decisively.

Steve rolled his eyes. Clearly, his impending battles were less important than Thor’s stomach. “Who else, JARVIS?”

“The next two were both sexual relationships of a significant duration and significant emotional impact, but Mr. Stark never made reference to them as dating or a relationship.”

Steve nodded. Even though it was strange to him, he had noticed that people no longer announced their intention to date or to go steady. It was possible for Tony to have an ex who he never admitted to dating.

“The first is Mr. Obadiah Stane.”

With that, Steve’s blood ran cold. Steve knew all about Obadiah Stane. It was all in Tony’s file. He had been a mentor and father figure to Tony even before Howard’s death, only to betray him when Tony had outlived his usefullness as Stane’s pet genius. He’d stolen Tony’s armor and used it to turn himself into a weapon before he died and, even worse, he’d pried the reactor from Tony’s chest and left him to die. The idea of Tony, probably a young and vulnerable Tony, spending one second in that monster’s bed set Steve’s soul alight with anger and sorrow.

“Thor?” Steve asked. “Can magic bring people back from the dead?” Because Obadiah Stane was one man that Steve absolutely would not mind punching in the face.

Thor turned away from the army of bagel bites he was arranging neatly on a plate. “No, magic cannot undo death. But after death, the soul remains in other realms. It is possible to make contact with such realms.”

Just as Steve was about to ask more questions the doorbell rang. Steve and Thor looked at each other with concern. Only authorized personel were allowed in the tower and Pepper and the publicists never bothered to ring the bell. They would have gotten notice from SHEILD if someone were coming.

But then Bruce came stumbling down the stairs from his lab and opened the door.

A very pretty woman was standing on the other side. She was closer to Tony and Bruce’s age, but didn’t look anything like the women of that age when Steve was young. He’d been surprised at all the techniques modern women used to avoid looking mature and dignified as though being older and wiser was a bad thing. There was a strength to her and a mischievious glint in her eyes that reminded Steve of Peggy.

“Special delivery for Dr. Bruce Banner,” she said with a grin, her voice slippery with seduction. She handed Bruce a fancy looking box tied with a simple ribbon.

Bruce smiled blandly back, completely oblivious to the flirtation. He stepped aside as she strode in, looking around the apartment with a discerning eye. “I like what Tony’s done with the place,” she commented. When her eyes landed on Steve and Thor, her grin widdened. “I _really_ like some of the new additions.”

“It is pleasing to make your aquaintance, Lady . . .”

“Botwin,” the woman blushed, allowing Thor to take her hand and plant a kiss on the back of it. “But you can call me Nancy.”

“Lady Botwin, I am Thor of Asgard and this is Steve Rogerson of Brooklyn. I would be honored if you would join us in a feast of the bagel bites and sausage of the morning star that I have prepared.”

Bruce appeared preoccupied with the contents of his package, but perked up a little at the mention of bagel bites. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll join you.” He disappeared with the package in tow, mumbling about where Tony kept his pipes. Steve knew that Bruce had his own piping in his own lab, but maybe he’d run out.

Nancy wrinkled her nose at the mention of bagel bites. “I’m more of a Jamba Juice, Starbucks, salad wrap kind of girl,” she replied, probably knowing full well that Steve and Thor had no idea what any of those things were. “But thanks for the offer.”

Steve was expecting her to leave, having turned down Thor’s invitation and having delivered her package to Bruce. “So how do you know Dr. Banner?” Steve asked. Even if she seemed to be overstaying her welcome, a gentleman was always polite.

Nancy turned a mischievious grin on Steve, pressing her tongue up against her teeth in a way that strangly, reminded Steve of Thor’s brother. And really, anyone who reminded him of the God of Mischeif couldn’t be good. “Oh, I only just met Bruce. I guess I’m what you call Tony’s ‘dealer.’”

Steve and Thor looked at her blankly.

“I provide certain herbal refreshments for Tony and his friends? Recreational refreshments?”

Steve was still confused and Thor had lost interest and was now busy shoveling bagel bites down his throat.

“Weed? Grass? Marijuana? Juju?”

Steve’s eyes widdened. Surely Tony and Bruce weren’t smoking the poor man’s tobacco? Why would they do such a thing when they could afford alcohol and cigarettes?

“Oh aren’t you sweet,” Nancy patted his cheek. “You should join Bruce. We’ve made a lot of advances in the botonical sciences since your time. I think you’ll enjoy yourself. If you don’t mind, I’m going to borrow Tony’s bathroom for a second - to freshen up. I want to be at my best when I fight you.”

Steve was still staring after her dumbfounded when JARVIS said, “If I may, that was Nancy Botwin, the last name that came up in response to your query.”


	7. 3.  Nancy Botwin

Nancy Botwin emerged from the bathroom not looking particularly different from when she had entered. Maybe her skin glowed a little more or her lips were slightly pinker. Steve couldn’t really tell - after watching Natasha in action, Steve had decided that, in the seventy-odd years he spent asleep, women had advanced the artform of painting their faces more than the world had advanced the automobile. 

Nancy immediately made her way over to Tony’s wet bar, expertly pouring herself a drink that Steve didn’t recognize and impolitely not offering anything to Steve, as a good woman was supposed to. Steve had no idea if this was another one of those many things about the sexes that had changed or if Nancy Botwin was just rude.

“Well, now,” rather than throwing a punch, she settled into one of Tony’s deep leather chairs, crossing her long pale legs in a way that guarded her virtue while still managing to look obscene. She rotated her ankle lazily as she sipped her drink. “I have a lot of business to get to, family to take care of, suppliers to pay off, public relations, that kind of thing. So let’s cut to the chase: why do you deserve to date Tony?”

Steve exchanged a nervous glance with Thor, who had paused with a bagel bite halfway to his mouth and left the kitchen area to observe more closely. “Um,” Steve answered. “Ma’am, I was under the impression that we were meant to fight.”

Nancy waved a hand at him jauntily, rolling her eyes and sprawling back in her chair as though even this brief conversation was interminably boring. “We can deal with that in a minute. First I need to know why you think you should be allowed to date Tony Stark.”

“Tony is a free man. It’s not your right to give him permission or deny him.”

Her grin was wicked. “I generally agree to the principle of personal freedom,” she stood, stalking over to Steve and perching herself on the armrest of the chair he was using. “A man or a woman should be allowed to do whatever he or she pleases, so long as it doesn’t harm others. Unless, of course, they harm you first.”

Her fingers walked up Steve’s biceps and her wide dark eyes were admiring. “There are even times when we have to _take_ what we want. But then there are magical curses, or whatever this thing is. So, it seems that whether I _personally_ care where Tony Stark sticks his cock, is unimportant.” She took a long, exaggerated sip of her cocktail. “To be honest, I don’t care. Tony and I were together. It had its uses and its pleasures. But we’re done with it. I’ve moved on and I’m sure Tony has too. But whatever this bullshit is,” she gestured to the magic all around them, “it’s meant to test you. And a physical confrontation between a soccer mom from Agrestric - drug-dealer, mafia wife, mother of murderers and ex-con though she may be - and Captain America certainly doesn’t seem fair. Does it?”

She slid gracefully into Steve’s lap, straddling him. Thor hovered nervously, hammer in hand, but this was clearly part of the spell, because despite his pacing, he couldn’t seem to advance. Steve frowned, wondering why this was the only time Thor actually seemed concerned that he couldn’t intervene.

Nancy blinked, breaking their lock-eyed stare, and punched Steve _hard_ in the face. “I’ll ask you again: what have you done to _deserve_ Tony Stark.”

Steve wondered what the hell Mrs. Drug-Dealer had done to deserve Tony, because she obviously passed the test before Steve did and she’d just admitted to being a criminal and probably not a very good mother, with dubious taste in men. But, then again, she also hadn’t shown any desire to _play fair_.

The thing was: Tony wouldn’t still be searching at forty-some years old, if it were easy to find someone worthy of him. Steve did believe that he could be enough for Tony, even though they were so different - Tony so inexorably intertwined with this fast, sarcastic future where nobody said what they meant and meant what they said and flashiness and excess were the hallmarks of modernity. But Tony had tried beautiful women and sincere Hollywood megastars and decorated military pilots and none of them had fit into the places of Tony that needed to be filled. Maybe, a man out of time, who didn’t even understand the language of Tony’s deflective bullshit, was exactly what Tony needed.

“I haven’t done anything to deserve him,” Steve replied, because despite how right he felt with Tony, he’d learned his lesson from the history that was not history for him: a super soldier could not _afford_ to believe he stood above the rest. So many regimes had fallen under that supposition and many more would. “I’m just a kid from Brooklyn.”

Nancy grinned, leaning closer. He wasn’t sure if her aim was seduction or claustrophobia. Turned out, it was to squeeze her well-manicured hands around his neck. Steve found himself hypnotized, unable to fight back. “I think many of the people who have met me over the years have learned not to underestimate someone based on where they came from or what they look like. It’s all about where they’re going. So, let’s stop with the quaint deflections. Captain America might need to pretend to be modest, just like I might need to pretend to be interested, but _you_ thought you were good enough to wear the flag and you’re a superhero courting a superhero. You must think you deserve him more than us mere mortals who tried and failed to keep him.”

“Did you really try that hard?” Steve choked out, managing to finally roll up and out of the chair, slamming into a low glass table and shattering it. Nancy landed on top, now able to use her full body weight to press down on Steve’s windpipe.

Nancy shrugged, whipping around to use her legs in some version of the chokehold that Natasha was so fond of. “I fought his evil exes. There were four of them at the time and let me tell you, they were all heavier hitters than 115 lbs of suburban housewife. So you must know that I cared about him enough.”

Steve wanted to protest, but her grip was tightening. The familiar wheezing gasp that he hadn’t felt since the serum returned, the same panting, gasping, blackness that threatened to pull him down and under for good.

“But my beautiful fling with Tony isn’t what we’re here to discuss. Let’s get back to you and your unfounded arrogance. Do you think being a superhero is enough? Do you think that you really have what it takes to fix somebody with that _many_ issues? Are you strong enough to survive when his self-destructive behaviors drag you both down? Do you deserve to have someone so perfectly, utterly _free_ put himself in a cage to be with a buttoned up _kid _from a time before all the things that he loves even existed?”__

__Steve felt himself choking, not under the pressure of her thighs, but under the weight of what it would mean to be with Tony. The responsibility to not be another one of these people who cared enough to fight for Tony but not enough to stay with him. But if Steve knew one thing: even if he might not deserve Tony and might be completely incapable of helping him, there was nothing worse than not seeing this through. Because that would mean showing Tony that Captain America, who would stand up against Nazis and Norse Gods with planetary domination on the mind and any bully, anywhere, would turn tail and run before he would fight for Tony._ _

__Steve gathered the strength to throw Nancy off, tackling her and grappling until their positions became reversed. He straddled Nancy, who gasped, arching up into him and feigning pleasure. “You’re a bully,” Steve said. “The others at least fought me honestly, because they had to. You’re just cruel and you don’t behave as a good Christian woman should, no matter the Century.”_ _

__“I’m Jewish,” she replied. “At least by marriage.”_ _

__“You don’t know _who_ you are: mother or drug pusher and that’s why you weren’t strong enough to give Tony what he needs. Just because it hasn’t worked out for you doesn’t mean that it won’t work out for me. Because, you know what, I’m not perfect, but I’m a good guy and if Tony wants me enough for this spell to activate, then he must believe that we have a chance, the same chance you squandered for whatever petty reason you squandered it. I deserve Tony because I will try with all my heart to do right by him.”_ _

__Nancy rolled her eyes, but she had ceased struggling. “Fine. You win. I don’t care. Surrender!” she yelled at the ceiling._ _

__For a moment they just stared at each other, wondering if the spell had yet worn off. The weak wiggling, compared to her magic-enhanced strength from earlier, made Steve think that it had. But she was cunning enough for this whole thing to be a bluff. He figured that he could always try to punch her out later if it was._ _

__Nancy climbed a little gracelessly to her feet, stumbling on a taller pair of high heels than Steve had ever seen in his time, though they were the wedge kind that Pepper had once explained to him. She fell rather deliberately into Thor, letting him catch her, while she bit her lower lip and batted her eyes a little. “Well, look at you. I hear you have a rather impressive hammer.”_ _

__“The great Mjolnir is the most powerful weapon known to all the realms and a trusted companion. She has blessed me with her aid in many battles,” Thor boomed, a proud smile on his face. Steve could never tell if Thor really was that oblivious to the double entendre or if he was being deliberately obtuse because he just didn’t feel like dealing with the trivial desires of mortals._ _

__Nancy Botwin didn’t seem to know what to make of that, but she seemed to have decided that even Thor’s minimal resistance was not worth her time seducing him, because she sashayed towards the door with a flippant wave and a wink. “Tell Bruce I’ll be back next month, but he has my private number if he needs anything. And try some of the product, it might help you get that stick out of your ass,” she said to Steve. “And you,” she grinned at Thor, “are missing out on all kinds of cross-cultural experiences.”_ _

__When Thor and Steve finally turned their attention to the kitchen, neither any more interested in Nancy Botwin’s wares than when she’d first introduced herself, they saw Bruce with tomato sauce smeared on his chin, licking the empty plate where once had been Thor’s bagel bites. At Steve’s incredulous look and Thor’s thunderous one, Bruce just smiled. “So that was Nancy. Isn’t she great?”_ _


End file.
